oh hi!

I just read this at the New York Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/06/magazine/06marriage-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&th&emc=th
The article is about a married couple (two writers) with two children who set out to improve their pretty-much-fine marriage.

I thought it was pretty interesting for several reasons--first of all, I think most people like to read about anything relating psychology to every day life, and even more so if sex is in the mix. It's always interesting to parse people's motives for their behaviour, but when talking about marriage it's super-interesting because there are tons of conflicting schools of thought. Deciding whether I agreed with one, or several, or none was not just fun (who doesn't like self-analysis now and then?), but also introduced me to some ideas that I never considered before; for example, the theory that equality is what kills a marriage, versus too much intimacy, versus too much passion.

The thing is, I'm sure these different ideas are all true, but for different people and marriages, with the variables being the personalities of each person in any given marriage. I'd bet that different and perhaps even conflicting ideas about What Makes Marriage Work/Fail could apply to the same person depending on their partner and how their personalities interact.

Another idea that the author brought up in the article that had never occurred to me was the idea that monogamy is learned in infancy from the relationship between mother and baby, but that the monogamy is actually one-way; the mother is most likely not monogamous with the baby. There could be other children; a husband; the mother's family and friends. (Then again, the model has some exceptions...what about twin babies? What about single mothers who are isolated from others? Why doesn't the baby have a relationship with other people, eg the father?) That got me thinking about monogamy. What do I think about monogamy?

Of course, I'm talking about myself, because I'm of the "don't tell others what to do with themselves" school of thought when it comes to sex. (As y'all may have guessed, from my "Legalise Gay" shirt and my quandary with going back to the cafe owned by a gay-hater.)

Despite(? because of? considering?) my exposure to an ubiquitous American pop culture that condones if not promotes casual hooking up (I feel so old saying it like that) and, on the other end of the polyamorous spectrum, the Seattle sex-positive "why not be honest with each other and consensually fuck around?" arrangement, a la Dan Savage...I feel like monogamy is the arrangement for me, at least when it comes to having a partner.

Back to the mother-baby monogamy. Of course a mother-baby relationship that is monogamous both ways would be *not healthy*. I think a woman needs much, much more than a relationship with a baby. I think anyone would go crazy if they had no adult relationships, and of course, raising a child would be infinitely more difficult without help, even if it's just emotional. But even monogamy on the part of the baby toward the mother is a little weird--wouldn't it be healthier, emotionally, mentally, socially, for the baby to have relationships with other important people, like a father and/or grandparents?

Anyway, back again to partner monogamy. There are a lot of reasons why I think it suits me.
This is a not-so-romantic but pretty important aspect: knowing where it's been. No STDs from other partners.
Another is that I think the highly emotional issues of jealousy, control, and intimacy would become a huge and fucked-up mess. This isn't postulating about hypothetical people and situations; this is what I think would happen to me if I tried to manage a polyamorous arrangement.
I think that, maybe not at first, but probably eventually, I would start to play my partners' feelings off each other to try to create drama revolving around myself. What better way to get attention, right? Start a little competition between them, whether open or underlying. I would feel desired all the time, and by more than one person! Awesome!
Except surely the same thing would be happening to me with my primary partner, or maybe all the partners. I'd be trying to prove how much better I was than whatever other people they were fucking/cuddling/hanging out with.
In short, it would be a passive-aggressive, complicated, scheming hell of stressful personal drama. I would not, probably could not, turn a blind eye to my primary/whatever partner's other trysts. I'm too easily made to feel insecure.

But that's not what I really want anyway--the drama and attention from multiple people. More important than that, what I want from a relationship--one that would end up in marriage--is a best friend. A best friend who is good at fucking me and vice versa, of courrrrrse. And who would want to have kids later on. But the most important thing is a best friend.

Aaaaand now I have to go to work. ^^

I used to go to this cafe all the time, I really liked it because the environment was homey and the food was good. the owner was always really friendly, and took time to talk to people specially about their lives.
but then one day, the owner randomly brought up his extreme dislike of gays, which came after trying to justify outright contempt toward fat people. I feel really uncomfortable about going back, even though I miss the atmosphere and the vegan chocolate chip cookies. blargh. 

earlier today when I was waking up, Josh came in and sat down and we proceeded to have a snuggle party. he had a little spaz attack and squeezed me tightly and said "I thank the God for let me loving you!! let me love this cutie!!"
at the time I was too sleepy to really react, but now when I think about it I start crying! ahhhh so touching~ just~ cry~~~

today at work I was so fucking bored. soooooo I was reading articles and stumbled across one purporting to "advise young women about money". there were sections with tips from different "experts"; pretty much all the sections said the same thing. (way to go, editors!)
the only things I really found useful/interesting (since I don't have a 401k matching option or whatever to deal with) were:
- have at least three months' worth all your monthly expenses combined in an account you can access if you lose your job or are otherwise fucked;
- save for retirement and whatnot really early so you're not fucked when you're old;
- put 10%+ of your income in savings; 60% or less for monthly expenses (eg rent); and 30% for living expenses (eg fun stuff).
this stuff would be a lot easier to plan and implement if I had a salaried position. as it is, I have an hourly job with inconsistent hours, so it's really tough to make long-term plans like this.
I use "fucked" up there a couple times. I think that reflects my feelings about money. I'm kind of ambivalent and passive about it and don't value it super highly; I just care enough to try to make sure I don't get fucked. I'm not the kind of person who has a fucking conniption about having spent $5 more than they needed to; I don't spend tons of time and energy thinking about money. I'm not the kind of person who would give a fuck about someone just because they had money. I find talking about money too much unseemly and unnecessary (that trait was probably partly instilled by my family) and I think it's really sad that so many couples marry and/or separate because of money. people who spend their lives toiling to become millionaires--also sad. what a waste of brain power, worrying about money so much. you can't take it with you.
however. I should probably give a little more attention to it, because I seem to be constantly on the edge of money-nervous recently. I guess it's understandable, since attending weddings and taking trips and "moving" (I mean, we didn't actually move, but we had to replace some things that got moved by the movers-out) always put a dent in the moneys (err....when you're young??). I also guess I like to make plans, and it makes me a little nervous that I have no idea how much money I might spend in Taiwan (although people keep telling me that's a hilarious worry, cuz like...no), plus it's (obviously) not a paid vacation. I'm also kind of freaked out at spending any of my savings on the trip, which I will most likely have to do. djkslafjdksalfjalskf
then, too, soooort of related to the love-of-making-plans, would be the fact that I am pretty OCD and want my account balances to be my favoured numbers, which is kind of retarded. examples of favoured numbers: 500, 1000, 3000, 5000. LOL @ that last one. I can only wish for that soon.
if I had a job I really liked, I would probably work more (and get paid more) and then I wouldn't be as nervous. but ummm. yeah. hopefully that will happen soon...!!!

words I suck at (hand)writing in Chinese:

• 能
• 爱 (and also 愛) - the proportions end up strange
  
• 要
  
• actually, basically anything with 女 in it. I just suck at that one D:
  
• 内 (I know, it's so easy, I don't even know)
  
• 五 (yup I'm retarded)
  
• 事
  
• anything with 几, eg 亮 (I get the proportions wrong and it looks skinny/bizarre) 
• things with 酒 or 西 often end up looking awkward
  
• 车 and 车-involving characters
  
• 来
  
• 蛋 - it always ends up HUGE! 
• things with the ”walking" radical, like 过 or 道
  
• 多, sometimes
  

my only cute one is 衣， which I learned from the cover of a Hong Kong chick flick (少女内衣？ I think?）. I sort of do a lil' loop that encompasses the last three strokes. other than that, my Chinese handwriting is fucked! ha -_-

in other news, yay buh buei wa ai li yayayayayay 'kbye